Missing Them

Nearly twenty and a half years ago, my mom passed away. After so much time has passed, you would think it would get easier. However, at 4:30 in the morning while driving to work, I began to weep with thoughts of how much I missed her still. It was an unexpected moment. Why now? I do not know. 

Most people believe their mom is the best. I am no exception. She is obviously a major part of why I am who I am today. My children never really got to know their grandma. She died when my youngest was just three years old. I believe they have missed something as a result. 

This past Christmas, I lost my dad and stepmom less than a month apart from each other. If you know me, you know a lot about my dad. My wife would see my dad and tell me she could see my future. Later she would tell me I have already become him. I may not be as great as my dad, but even now as my eyes began to water, I hope to at least let my grandkids see him through me. 

All four of my grandparents died. Three while I was an adult. I barely knew my dad's father. The three I knew well, had major influences in my life. I remember watching Lawrence Welk and soap operas, taking walks on the levees, eating breakfast at McDonald's. Each one holds different memories. Each one has a spot in my heart and mind that I hope never fades away. 

A friend's mom passed away recently and asked if the pain ever goes away. Maybe to some degree, but I do not think it does. There is always a part of those we lost inside of us. A hole that cannot be filled. We learn to live through it. Some memories may fade. We may focus on new things, but that spot is always reserved for our loved ones. 

Life is short. While we should not live in the past, the past obviously has an influence on us. It shapes our thoughts, personalities, and behaviors. We learn from the people in our lives whether we realize it or not. 

I believe that my heavenly Father created me. I want his characteristics and personality to be a major influence in my life. I want to love how he loves. I want to show mercy and grace the way he does. I want to be there for the hurting people. I do not want to treat people who disagree with me any differently than those I love the most. I want to be kind. I want to forgive. These things are not always easy to do.

I hope the world sees God when they look at me. I also hope they do not see my flaws as part of who he is. I get those all by myself. I want to be like him even more than my loved ones from the past have become a part of me. 

I will never forget those that have gone before me. I pray I do not forget about those that are with me now.